Parenting is no easy task. Everyone wants what is best for their children, and no one likes to see their child struggle. Struggle, however, is very much a part of maturing—of growing.
I learned a new descriptor for parenting styles, this week. I learned that we are moving beyond “helicopter parents” to “lawnmower parents”. These are well meaning parents, no doubt, but it is a style that may be the most damaging to children and society long term.
Helicopter parenting. The label, “helicopter parent”, has been around for some time. These are the parents who hover over their children and are overly involved in the child’s life—particularly education. This parenting style, in my opinion, creates an entitled child. There is nothing wrong, per se, with wanting what is best for our children. The problem becomes when the child becomes less able to negotiate his or her own path in life.
Helicopter parents are not adverse to challenging their children. Many may actually over-challenge their child—pushing them too hard to succeed creating unwarranted stress. These parents, however, tend to be overly involved in manipulating the path for the child/young adult. They are rather slow in letting go of the child.
Lawnmower parenting. I only recently heard of this parenting style. Lawnmower parents are said to be those parents who “go to whatever lengths necessary to prevent their child from having to face adversity, struggle, or failure”*. I perceive this style as a much greater threat to society.
I write often about the importance of failure in the long-term success of an individual. As a parent, I want my child to fail, because I see it as a stimulus for growth. Failure demonstrates that the individual is pushing beyond his or her current limits. Sadly, this is not a universal desire. It is increasingly pervasive across society to want to avoid “failure”. Rather, we reward everything (a bit of an overstatement, I know). We want, as Dire Straits so aptly sang, “our money for nothing”.
I understand the challenge for educators. Parents nag at their sensibilities and they are forced to succumb. Personally, I would like to see more educators push back, but, as one, I can see how the energy is easily lost.
Nearly 20 years ago, I was chastised in a faculty workshop for still grading with the red pen and giving tests on which I expected few students to get better than the 70% range (it didn’t matter that I curved the tests and had a high percentage of A’s in the class). I was “damaging” the students’ self-esteem, apparently. I saw even then a movement toward “hand-holding” at the collegiate level. These were education faculty so, clearly, the message was being pushed on future educators. Today, I see an pervasive attitude among faculty that we have to provide students with greater assistance and help them succeed. Sadly, this is both the result of and caused by the lawnmower approach.
Free-range parenting. When I was a kid, this was called “parenting”. Kids were kicked out of the house after breakfast and expected to be home by dinner. During this time we were free to play and explore. There was no excessive fear of danger lurking around every corner. Neighborhoods watched out for one another. Perhaps, there was just a greater sense of community and responsibility. Parents were, by no means, negligent. They cared no less than parents today. Parents just let kids be kids and do what they do naturally—explore and negotiate the challenges of adolescence. It saddens me that, today, an eight-year old girl can’t walk a dog in a safe neighborhood without a neighbor calling the police.
I fault no parent for wanting the best for their child. Helicopter and lawnmower parents mean well, as do free-range advocates. The problem is that our society has equated success with the reward—money, grades, trophies, etc.—rather than the effort.
We are over-protecting and over-rewarding children. We are to teaching that there are consequences to our efforts (or lack thereof). We need to teach children to value the struggle. They are not as fragile as we believe them to be.
Academically, physically, emotionally, and socially, kids need to struggle. They need to fail. They need to experience pain—physically and emotionally—from time to time, as well as triumph. They need to experience rejection. They need tears as well as laughter to grow into well-adjusted and capable adults.
As a parent, I know the temptation to hover and to protect. I realize, though, that more often than not, that this desire isn’t always birthed out of a desire for what is best for my child. Rather, it is often the product of my own insecurity—my worries about how I will be perceived as a parent. As a parent, though, I have to check my ego.
As a parent, I am also learning to create the space for my children’s souls to speak. In other words, I am learning to let my children to shape their own futures. I trust that the experiences and relationships they make are purposeful. By no level of my interference will my children be successful. I am here to support and to offer guidance. Thus, I hover some—but only from a distance. I trim the obstacles—but only slightly. I consider it my job to teach how the mower works. I encourage my children to fail. I encourage their teachers and coaches to challenge them. I expect to dry some tears and ice some bruises. My only expectation is that they do their best and do better tomorrow.
Carpe momento!
* https://www.weareteachers.com/lawnmower-parents/
