I have commented before about the role of one’s environment in one’s success and what Jim Harshaw refers to as the “environment of excellence”. I have been thinking of this recently as I consider my children. As parents, we, no doubt, want our children to succeed. The questions remain, however: “How to we facilitate our child’s success?” and “How do we define ‘success’ for our children?”
Success for a parent is often limited by the parent’s own desires for their child—perhaps the parent’s desires for him/herself. We hear the phrase: “helicopter parent”. We see the over-involvement of parents in school, sports, and other extra-curricular activities for children. Yes, I said it. Parents are over-involved with their children in some areas. They are, of course, under-involved in many of the more critical areas of maturation.
Parental over-involvement in school, sports, and other extra-curricular activities is in the performance side of these. Too often, parents come between coaches/teachers and their child. They are more concerned with the outcome of performance—grades, playing time, position, etc.—rather than the child’s effort and development. I suspect most coaches and teachers rarely hear from parents: “What does my child need to work on? How can I help.” More importantly, these rarely hear the two simple words: “Thank you!”
As parents, we are so desperate to succeed—I mean, for our children to succeed—that we focus on specialty coaches, camps, tutors, private lessons, etc. in an effort to give our child an edge. Thusly, we become over-involved.
We, as parents are, instead, under-involved in the areas where we should be putting the most parental effort—developing the skills necessary for the child to find his/her way in the world and determine his/her own path to success (or, I think, more aptly, “Purpose”). These skills fall within the dimensions of “well-centered fitness”: Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Social. Herein, we create the “environment of excellence”.
Spiritually, we want our child to recognize that he/she is not the center of the Universe. Ironically, it is probably we parents who teach them that they are the center of the Universe by all our over-involvement and demands that they be recognized. Faith practices will play a role here, for many, but we also cannot neglect the need to expose our children to the concepts of “team” and “community”.
We teach our children to share, but at the same time we create a mindset of entitlement by our actions. We tell our children: “You deserve….” Instead, we should be teaching them that “You have to earn success.”
We need to teach our children that being a part of team requires “100% effort one-hundred percent of the time”. That means showing up when you don’t want to and accepting your role on the team.
As a parent, I have often found myself thinking that my son or daughter should be playing this position or that position, but, other than suggesting at the start of the season what they might like to play, I shut up and let the coaches coach. For one thing, it shows my children that the coach is in charge. It also teaches them that they have to earn what they want. And, in most cases, they don’t end up playing what I might suggest, but they and the team end up being quite successful. I try to make it known to the coaches (and my child) that they will play where they are most needed. To the child, we as parents must stress that, if you want something, you must demonstrate that you deserve it.
In teaching children that they are part of something more than themselves, we teach them to appreciate others and to encourage others. There is room for competition in the Spiritual dimension, but competition is always focused first on being the best one can be for the whole of the team, as well as one’s self. In addition, competition makes everyone better.
Physically, we create the environment of excellence by providing for a healthy physical environment—including a clean and peaceful home, proper diet, health care, hygiene, and physical activity. Herein, the parents must lead by example. We can’t demand a child not smoke or drink, while abusing these ourselves. We cannot expect our children to have healthy eating habits, if we load our refrigerator and pantry with garbage foods. We cannot ask our children to go outside and play or exercise, if we spend the day on the couch watching television. The physical habits our children develop begin with us parents. There is to be no blaming of schools for lousy school lunches and no Physical Education, if we don’t provide a better example at home!
Intellectually, we control what our children learn. We must be involved in their education. This can begin by not blaming teachers for the child’s poor performance in school. Discipline is taught in the home. Insist that your child reads (and lead by example). Help your child with his/her homework. (If it proves to be difficult, seek help if you must, but consider it an opportunity to learn for yourself!) Promote education—not merely the receipt of diplomas, but, rather, the desire to learn. If you don’t have an answer to your child’s questions, guess what? There is a thing called the Internet and, if you are old-school, books! Go to the library. Look things up. Show your child that education is important. And, if they struggle, don’t point fingers. Teach the child that success is his/her responsibility. Education is an opportunity!
As parents, we all know how challenging the emotional development of the child can be. Nonetheless, we must help the child grow in Emotional well-centeredness. We must model appropriate emotional responses. (This is something personally challenging to me.) Being accountable for our own emotional responses in critical. Let’s be truthful. We, as parents, are going to lose our tempers now and again (and again). Own it. Apologize when necessary. Explain to the child why it was wrong. Ask them for help—give them the freedom to call you out on your inappropriate emotional responses.
Allow your child to be emotional. “Boys don’t cry” is a horrible thing to teach one’s son. Teach the child to know when emotional responses are appropriate/inappropriate.
Lastly, in consideration of the environment of excellence for our child, we must consider the Social dimension of well-centeredness. Remember what Jim Rohn teaches: “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” So, if this is true for us, it is true for our children. Know your child’s friends. Consider with whom they play and spend their time with. Facilitate the relationships that will best promote your child’s success—considering these dimensions of well-centered fitness.
Provide the opportunities for your child to socialize. Participation in sports, church groups, and other clubs and extra-curricular activities are great way to enable your child to develop the relationships and experiences that will shape who they are to become. Don’t leave it to your children, per se, to develop their own circle of peers. You, as the parent, has a role in shaping the child’s peer group. Of course, one cannot dictate fully who are one’s friends, but a parent can help guide the child to the better influences.
Teach your child to appreciate diversity. That is, teach them to “love your neighbor”. Teach the child to like others that they might be likeable.
Most importantly, give children the space to resolve their own issues. I, personally, think schools and parents are too quick to step in to resolve conflicts. I have strong opinions about “safe spaces” and bullying policies. By no means do I think bullying should be tolerated. Nor do I favor children being harmed. I do, however, think we have to let children figure things out for themselves. We cannot shield a child from conflict in life. To do so is irresponsible. We must certainly protect them, but we must ultimately give them the skills to fend for themselves.
If we truly want our children to “succeed”, we must let them become who they were created to be. We do not decide success for them. We do, however, cultivate success by creating the fertile soil in which they are to grow and by tending to their growth—providing the proper nutrients and weeding out those who will impede their growth.
Help them be their best today and be better tomorrow.
“Always kiss your children goodnight, even if they’re already asleep.”—H. Jackson Brown