A friend shared a commercial on social media that honored Olympic moms for teaching our athletes to fall. It was a good commercial and, I realize that it intended to honor the role of mom, but I couldn’t help but wonder “where are we fathers in helping our children learn to fall?”
I have been reading and hearing much about the role of ‘failure’ in the books and podcasts that have been a part of my daily habits for well-centeredness. Yesterday, listening to Coyte Cooper (Earn the Right to Live Your Dreams, Episode 34, “The Way We Should See ‘Failure'”). It inspired me to consider that my failures don’t define me, but, rather, they refine me. “Failure” is a critical part of success.
As a parent, I want my kids to fail. Of course, I want them to get good grades in school, and I want them to win in sports; but, failure is necessary to learn and to grow. They will fall in the process. I want to be there encouraging and pushing them onward.
As a graduate student, I minored in Human Anatomy. My professor at the (then) Medical College of Ohio was a wonderful teacher, Dr. Dennis Morse. My fellow graduate student from the University of Toledo and I would dissect the assigned body region throughout the week, and Dr. Morse would meet with us once a week to quiz us on our progress. He go around asking each of us questions. Most always, we would not know the answer (but would know the answers to our peers’ questions–to this day, I still believe that Dr. Morse was psychic!). As terms went by, I kept questioning, “How am I getting A’s?” In time, I was required to sit for the oral comprehensive exams necessary to complete my doctorate degree. For my Anatomy section, Dr. Morse started with the questions I expected–things I missed on the written exam. Progressively, the questions got harder and farther away from what I consciously studied. The final question was “If you made an incision in the abdominal wall, what would you encounter from superficial to deep?” I still vividly remember thinking, “____!! I never studied this! Well, let’s think it through….” I made my response, and Dr. Morse’s response was “Wow! I didn’t expect you to get all that. I am through.” I had aced my comprehensive oral exam for Anatomy! Not because I am a brilliant guy (by no means am I), but because, by teaching me to learn through my “failure”, Dr. Morse taught me to learn Anatomy. I have carried this teaching style into my own career as an academic. I truly believe that my students learn more by being shown what they don’t know. This is hard adjustment for students who are used to getting A’s (by the way, the grades are curved), but they learn the material much better and have better application and reasoning skills as a result.
Sports are a great preparation for life. Learning from failure is what makes an athlete better. It is interesting to watch how the kids who are superstars in little league often don’t even participate at the high school level. Rather the stars who emerge in high school are the kids who learned to keep trying harder. Nothing worthwhile in life comes without effort.
I am still learning as a parent how to encourage my children through failure. Honestly, my greatest joy as a father has not come in the moments in which my children have been victorious. Rather, my joy is in seeing them face a challenge, be defeated, and get up and try again. It is an often painful joy, but there is nothing more rewarding than seeing determination and confidence grow in a child. You know that such events are what prepare the child for far greater success later in life.
As fathers, we must not make today’s game/match the most important event in the child’s life. We must instead instill in our children the notion that they should be their best today and be better tomorrow. I often share with my son the “parable of the talents.” I try to teach is that his best is all one can ever expect. If he does not use his talents to their full potential–in practice, as well as games–he is letting down his team, his coach, and himself. Winning or losing is not important. What matters is effort. Can you look in a mirror and tell yourself, “I did my best”? If so, then “failure” serves to make you better. The greatest successes are the people who have learned to keep getting up every time they fall.
As parents, we nurse the hurts and teach that, though it might hurt today, tomorrow there is surely victory if only we get up and try again.