I have commented before that one of my treasured belongings is an old copy of Gale Sayer’s autobiography, I Am Third. The title is based on a quote that Sayers adopted from his track coach at Kansas: “The Lord is first, my friends are second, and I am third.” I paraphrase this a bit (“…my family and friends are second”) and think of this as a mantra and reflection of my core values.
There is a popular movement in Christian circles: I am second. While I understand and respect the intent, I have trouble accepting the phrase. For one, there is no mention of my responsibility to others. For me, it is critical that I constantly remind myself that I am third. As second, the door is wide open for me to let selfishness rule my heart. It is my selfish desires, however, that most often lead me to anger, bitterness, resentfulness, etc. The idea that I am second, to me, promotes a notion that God is at the center of the universe but so am I. (This is, of course, not the intent of the movement.)
“I am third” forces me (allows me) to dismiss my self-centered desires and put my God and my family/friends at the center—diminishing my concern for self. It is a message to me that the needs of others come before my own. It is, after all, the placement of my needs before others that leads me down a wrong emotional path—that pulls me off center.
Now, some will say, “but you gotta take care of yourself first.” Yes and no. Of course, we need to care for our health and personal safety, but we do this for others. We don’t do this solely for our own self-preservation.
When my mood is abrasive, it is usually because I am focused on myself. Sure people can be jerks; but, am I reacting to them being a jerk or am I reacting to them being a jerk to me? More often than not, it is because someone’s behavior is directly impacting me—or I am perceiving it as such.
Now jerks will be jerks, but I am not a jerk (at least I don’t want to be). So, why do I respond so often to the most minor slights with an angry response? I can’t blame the behavior of others (though I try). I have to take responsibility for my own actions (or reactions).
I was reminded recently of Stephen Covey’s writing about the space between the stimuli and our response. Too often (especially when our Emotional dimension is off ever so slightly), we react without thinking or out of habit—I think sometimes that cursing is more of a habit than an expression of our thoughts and emotions. Covey taught that we can and should extend the space between the stimuli and the response. We need to allow ourselves time to consider our response and prevent ourselves from responding negatively. Thus, we can create a habit of responding in more productive and pleasant ways. Even the slightest altering of tone can prevent us from losing control of our emotions.
How many times have we heard to “pause before you speak”, “count to ten when you get angry”, etc.? The simple act of delaying the response for just a fraction of a second is sufficient to get self out of the way of our response. If only it were so easy!
I write to my own pursuit of “well-centeredness” when I say that we need to be intentional in doing for others and be service-minded. Ultimately, true happiness and peace come from helping others. Selfishness leads to only to unhappiness (remember The Christmas Carol?) Self-service is unrewarding.
Every moment, we make a choice (albeit subconsciously, in most cases) to react positively or negatively. The decision we make in that moment, subsequently, affects how we respond in the next moment of decision. Before unpleasant events send us spiraling downward, we have to be proactive and set our mind and emotions on a positive course. We need to regularly pause and check our emotional compass. We need to prepare ourselves from the moment we rise in the morning for whatever the day may bring. We have to create for ourselves an environment of excellence that exorcises pessimism and facilitates our positivity. We must, daily, cultivate the things that will give us emotional well-centeredness: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and, above all, self-control.
Carpe momento!