I mentioned recently the idea of a “third way”. It has come up over the last week in several different settings—reading, conversations with my wife about her work, discussions with others, and just in “random” thought—so I have felt compelled to explore it. (Most of what I write on this blog is for me—for my pursuit of “well-centered fitness”.)
I first heard of the concept of the third way from Rob Bell, who was our church pastor at the time in Michigan. He proposed that this was to what Jesus was teaching when he spoke of turning the other cheek, going the extra mile, etc. There is a Spiritual dimension, then, to the concept of the third way.
Physiologically, most know of the “fight-or-flight response”. This is the response of the sympathetic nervous system to a perceived threat. (Think about how your body responds when you are walking down a dark street alone at night, and your hear footsteps coming up from behind. You are likely to experience an elevated heart rate, your blood pressure rises, your muscles tense, you become more acutely aware of what is going on around you, etc. Your body prepares to turn and fight or to run away.) We don’t often think about it, but we have this same response at work when our boss or a coworker is being difficult, in relationships, in casual conflicts with our neighbors (i.e., anyone we may encounter in our day), and, increasingly in our social media interactions.
The fight-or-flight response, then, affects our well-centered fitness. It has implications for our Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Social well-being.
Rarely does the response ever involve actual physical fighting or running. More often, we see the response in a psychological sense of arguing or passively suffering abuse. When I consider this, the proverb, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.” (Proverbs 26:4-5, NIV). These seem contradictory, but it is truly wise advise. It speaks to the fight-or-flight response, but from the perspective of the “third way”. Here the third option is implied—it is essentially to weigh the options and potential outcomes before acting. Imagine what Facebook would be like if people heeded Proverbs 26:4-5!
My wife and I tend to be quite opposite when it comes to conflict. I am expressive. She is more likely to wall herself off. Neither is a best response. I tend to be inconsiderate of the other’s opinion. She tends to be inconsiderate of her own feelings, needs, and right to an opinion. I let it all out and leave the destruction behind. She bottles her feelings. Together, we are working on growing in the third way.
I recently read Parker J. Palmer’s book, A Hidden Wholeness. Dr. Palmer concludes the book with a chapter on “The Third Way”. (It contributed to one of the Celestine Prophecy moments and gave me a connection between the fight-or-flight response and the third way.) I liked the way he summarized the concept:
“To fight is to meet violence with violence, generating more of the same; to flee is to yield to violence, putting private sanctuary ahead of the common good. The third way is the way of nonviolence, by which I mean a commitment to act in every situation in ways that honor the soul.” (p. 170).
Thus, it is less about physical violence—though there is certainly much physical violence in our world—than it is about violence at the Spiritual, Intellectual, Emotional, and Social levels. I mentioned Facebook.
If you are like me, you spend a bit too much time on social media. (Judging from conversation threads I often see, some people spend way too much time on social media.) While there is so much good that can be had from the interconnectedness that platforms like Facebook allow, there is so much more opportunity for and practice of “fight”.
It isn’t only social media. It is in our schools (though, here, we are tending toward “flight”). It is in the news media. It is in political activism.
We choose whether to “fight” or “flight”. There remains, however, a third way.
A couple of years ago in a kick-off meeting at the start of the academic year, the dean of my college remarked about the political protests that were occurring at the time and stated that he would love to see our students more engaged in the protests. I am friends with my dean, but I promptly disagreed. (I felt like, perhaps, I was the only one in the room who did.) I expressed (see, I tend toward the “fight” response) that I was taken back by the comment and feel that we should rather encourage our students to “go to the table”—to participate in productive discourse regarding the challenges and conflicts facing our society. It wasn’t well-received by some of my colleagues, but I felt it important to say. I didn’t think of it as such, at the time, but I was promoting the “third way”.
Universities are one example of how we tend toward the dichotomy of the fight-or-flight response. On one hand, universities welcome (and often encourage) protests. On the other hand, they create “safe spaces” for students to shield them from distress (i.e., the provide the avenue for “flight”). What is being lost is the promotion of the “third way”—the encouragement to give space to the ideas of others and to join in healthy (albeit uncomfortable) discourse.
As we scroll through our Facebook feed (too many times a day), we are exposed to extreme views on politics and societal issues. Herein, Proverbs 26:4-5 comes in to play. Do we scroll on by? Do we immediately jump into the banter, defending our opinion? Do we fact check? (Always a wise thing to do before responding to social media posts!) Do we even care to fact check (for fear that our opinion may be disproven)? Do we consider at all the opposing views expressed? I have concluded that there must be a third way approach to social media (and all our social interactions)—there must be “a commitment to act in every situation in ways that honor the soul”.
I am in the process of learning (becoming “well-centered” is an ongoing process) to “honor the soul”. I am learning to allow space for the soul—mine, as well as that of others with whom I come in contact. It isn’t always easy, but it is essential. It includes what Stephen Covey might call “seeking first to understand and, then, to be understood”.
Be your best today; be better tomorrow.
Carpe momento!